It has been a year since I lay in the hospital bed. I can see the doctor and nurse coming for their daily rounds thrice a day. I am functioning mentally and emotionally. I am breathing, that is all. It is impossible to move, feels like a paralyzed body which is not operating. I’m in a coma, I don’t know whether or not I will be able to make it alive. I wish I could go back in time. My name is Aarush Singh.
A year ago:
I have been a success in my school life, be it being the class monitor, the school captain or being the topper of my class. It never happened that I may have to compromise it, because I didn’t have a second choice. It’s my higher secondary board examination this year, and I know I am going to make it this time too.
I had spent 8 months boycotting my social life, being a book worm every day at home whereas there are some of my friends who started studying three months before the exams. I am sure most of you do that, but I couldn’t have conciliated being second in the front page of the newspaper, even by a few marks. I had developed a self centered attitude because of receiving laurels every time, I had to do it this time too. After all it’s the question of my reputation.
The results were announced and I felt the maximum disappointment that I had ever felt in my life. I had got a 88.6%
For a moment my fingers trembled and all my effort and hard work had come to an end. I re-checked and re-checked the marks in the hope that I had read them incorrectly.
“If you have only scored a 88.6, you’ll achieve nothing,” echoed in my mind.
I closed my eyes for a few minutes, processing the information. I was standing at the top of my seven storied building, I played my mother’s faint smile in my mind for a while, and jumped.
Its been 8 months since I lay in this bed, and my decision to end this life has left drastic implications for my family. These eight months have taught me things, things eight years couldn’t.
Life has changed for everyone, my mother, my father and my sister. Here’s what happened in eight months, it’s the voice of the people who were strong enough to survive this.
In the hospital:
“Son, I am sorry I couldn’t cook your favorite meal today, the maid didn’t come and the market was closed. I hope you won’t mind. The doctor says you will recover very soon and I am glad that you have started eating. I know you can hear me speak and you gobble down the food when I am not around, my naughty little boy. Your papa has finally started believing my words; he too agrees that you eat the food I send.
I will wait for you until you start talking to me, I will visit you every day.
I had a big fight with Rima aunty today, she told me you jumped off by choice, you know how crooked ladies can be. Believe me son, I don’t care what she has to say. You know it feels like reliving the 9 months I had kept you inside me, I am eagerly waiting for you to talk to me again. I know it was an accident, and you could have never left my side by choice. Your sister and your papa will be here in the afternoon, take care, I love you.”
“Bhaiya, I am so sorry but she never listens to us. Earlier we used to take back the food she packed for you, and see her cry every day. So nowadays, I feed the stray dogs in the streets, at least the food isn’t thrown away, and she believes you had it. I know you love to see her smile, be it for some wrong reason right now. Papa too doesn’t argue with her anymore. I have been watching your favorite soccer show every day. I won’t even touch the TV remote, I promise. I will never argue with you on anything, I will give you all my share of sweet cream. I miss you.”
The house which used to be a well-known happy family is presently the quietest house in the society.
Aarush’s fathers business crashed after that incident and the house is running by the little pension he gets. He doesn’t go out anymore and keeps himself locked inside his room for hours. They knock at the door, and he eats food inside his room. He just visits the hospital once every day, and comes back to his room.
His mother keeps staring at objects for hours, till time passes by. Ever since Aarush has been in a coma, she’s been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Slowly she has stopped talking to people at home and outside the home, except Aarush.
Aarush’s sister used to be a topper in class too, she gets the poorest grades in class today. She is faltering and trying to stay strong, but cries herself to sleep every night.
An attempted suicide is not just a decision you take and you are not the only one who has to deal with the results. The impact is far reaching and it is harder for the ones who have to survive your death. They are your loved ones. You may decide to run away from the situation you have been facing all this while, but think of the ones who have been dealing with life threatening situations, but have survived so far.
You choose to leave your mother’s hand for a pain which is momentary, what about the pain she has to live with for the rest of her life?