How many times have you cringed at the word, suicide? How many times have you thought of doing it yourself? How many regrets and memories do you own?
Ending your own life, once and for all. Getting done with the pain that comes with living. Join the oblivion that is death?
I have heard many of my friends say this so casually.
Kill me. I swear I’ll take my own life.
Has life really become this casual? Can’t we understand how fortunate we are, to be here, in this moment?
Regrets and Memories:
We all wish we could go back in time and change a few things, don’t we?
Recently I had lost someone close to me. She had taken away her own life. She was just 18. I had met her the previous day. We had stayed together for the weekend.
She had confessed to me, she was tired of her life. She said she would run away from home. Or kill herself. I had thought she was not serious. We all get frustrated from life. I told her to calm down. She did not mention this for the rest of my stay.
When I had received the news of her death, I couldn’t believe it. It was not possible. I had met her only 24 hours before.
After this, my reality became too hard to accept. It came crashing down upon me.
It has been six months. Sometimes I am a mess of moments and memories. Sometimes I still can’t believe. But the truth remains. She is here no more.
I can’t begin to explain what her family had been through. How we were regretting tiny fights and mistakes as well. The pain that comes with the loss of a near and dear one tears one apart.
It had been torture, trying to piece myself together, back again. One thing is for sure, I’ll never be whole again. I’ll always be scarred.
I still have nightmares. I still think of her, day in and day out. Sometimes I find myself in tears. Sometimes I find myself lost in thoughts about her.
It has been six months. Life has not stopped for anyone. It has continued in its own pace. She ended up becoming a chapter in the story of my life.
When I look at a pretty sunset, I realize she’ll never see one again. Ironically, on her 18th birthday, I had put together a card at the last moment. In it, I had written, I am making this card so that years later you won’t say I did nothing for your 18th.
Now when people ask me about her, I tell them this. She had the prettiest smile, the biggest heart. She gave the warmest hugs. Her laugh was so lively. With her, I felt this sense of belonging. She had been there for me, always. Our childhood games make me smile. Our fights leave a bitter taste in my mouth. But she will always be the first one with whom I experienced my first sleepover, first night of oblivion, first everything.
I miss her, everyday. I wish I could hug her again. Tell her how much I love her, how I would be with her always. I feel it in my heart, your love. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing.
Things in life won’t always be happy and joyous. It will be painful, hurting. But remember, it always gets better. Nothing, no joy, no pain can last forever. At some point, it ends.
Life has its own ups and downs. But don’t give up on it just yet. It will always surprise you. Hold onto this crazy ride, just hold on. You’ll find out that the regrets and memories make you the person you are. Regrets and memories will be the only thing you hold onto, till the end.